Anxiety and 7 Ways to Help Your Struggling College Kid

As excited freshman or experienced sophomores, juniors and seniors settle in for another Fall semester around the country, I wanted to put together a quick list of 7 things parents can do to hep their college kid suffering from anxiety. It’s scary to put so much freedom and responsibility into the hands of your son or daughter when you know worry and fear is always lurking around social, academic or career decisions. Before I discuss what to do about anxiety, I think it’s important to review some details about anxiety.

Everyone feels uneasy or anxious occasionally like when we are running late for a meeting or got caught doing something we’re not supposed to. It’s a normal.

Anxiety disorders are different than regular, situational anxiousness. They are a group of mental illnesses that are characterized by intensity, duration, origin and how they impact life domains like work/school, relationships, and health.

For people who have an anxiety disorder, worry and fear are constant and overwhelming, and can be disabling. With the correct treatment, most can overcome the anxiety disorder and lead a fulfilling life.

Types of Disorders

Anxiety disorder is a broad category that includes:

  • Panic Disorder. Feeling overwhelming sense of terror or dread that seemingly strikes randomly. During a panic attack, the person may sweat, have chest pain, and feel unusually strong or irregular heartbeats. Sometimes they may feel like they’re choking or having a heart attack.
  • Social Anxiety Disorder. Also known as Social Phobia, this is when someone feels overwhelming worry or judgement while in social situations. They may obsess over others judgment or being embarrassed or ridiculed.
  • Specific Phobias. This is when someone has a very specific fear of something such as spiders, heights or flying. The fear goes beyond what’s appropriate based on actual risk and may cause them to avoid regular situations.
  • Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This is what I see most when working with college students. They describe having excessive, unrealistic worry and tension with little or no reason.

Risks

Early signs of anxiety are super subtle and include distractability, avoidance and sleeplessness. Students with anxiety disorders often report to me that semesters generally start fine but as papers, tests and social pressures mount, their anxiety builds to the point where they start consider drastic changes like dropping out of school. Untreated anxiety can lead to depression, severe drug use and in some instance, suicide. Anxiety and depression seem to be best friends, often presenting together in college students I’ve worked with. 

What to Do

Though anxiety disorders can make someone feel hopeless, there are very effective treatments and interventions we can implement to get their life back on track. Here are the 7 I think are most important for parents to be aware of if they need help with their college kid.

1. Counseling

Right out of the gate, the first thing parents should do is link their child with a) campus health services (often called Counseling and Psychological Services or CAPS) and b) a therapist or counseling like me specializing in college student anxiety in the community close to campus. Ideally, find a therapist/counselor that uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT). Waiting until the first big meltdown could be too late. Loads of freshman fail to share their struggles with their parents until Thanksgiving and Christmas which, by then, is too late in their minds and they end up not returning for their Spring semester. Invest the time on the front end.

2. Scheduling

Anxiety is fed by fear. Fear is often the by-product of lack of predictability about social events, academic outcomes, and career failures. One solution is increasing predictability. I accomplish this with students by teaching them to download the semester schedule onto their phone calendars before the semester starts. Next, after they’ve received their syllabi, I coach them to put in every single date for every single assignment/test possible. This also includes social events and any non-academic stuff they know about. This may sound like it could be overwhelming, but I’d rather have them feel a bit overwhelmed when looking at the calendars rather than anxious about remember when that next big thing is due.

3. Resources

Not the most used suggestion but one we have to put here – make sure your son or daughter has a list or access to resources that can help them reduce stressors or mitigate things when they’re already starting to spiral down. These resources could include the academic supports found at nearly every university or within the community. Universities have a vested interest in making sure your son or daughter doesn’t bail at semester’s end. Another form of ‘resource’ is the on-call list. Create a formal or informal list of people they can call/text when they are starting to feel overwhelmed. I am on-call for all of my clients and often receive texts from students the night before big tests asking for help in quiet their brains down. I call them or text back strategies and remind them to call if they want to talk through things in more detail. Just knowing there is a safety net and team of support can have a dramatic reduction effect on anxiety.

4. Medication

I am super conservative with medication use and recommendations for students I work with at Indiana University. But, with that said, we also recognize that some folks simply need a bit more support than what counseling and academic support can provide alone. If your college does not have a psychiatrist on staff, we highly recommend finding one in the local community. We rarely encourage use of primary care physicians or nurse practitioners for medication management since they are not specifically trained to diagnose and medically treat those suffering from anxiety. You also want your college kid to work with someone who genuinely understands the risk of some medications that have the potential for addiction. Good kids get hooked on meds the same as bad kids. It’s also important to avoid illegal or non-prescribed drugs (like the roommate’s Xanax).

5. Meditation

I recommend to nearly every client to start participating in weekly yoga, meditation or mindfullness classes. This is an evidence-based approach with only positive side-effects. Plus, every college offers these in their wellness programs for free so encourage your kid to take advantage and put it into the calendar. Meditation, counseling and medication are an incredibly complimentary approach to combating anxiety.

6. Sleep

Not easy when kids have more freedom than ever away from home but we nonetheless push parents to encourage sleep. Not binge sleeping but a healthy 8 hours per night. The ideal for anxiety reduction is a steady sleep pattern so that bedtime and wake time are pretty standard every day. Staying up late on Thursday, Friday and Saturday, sleeping in till 1:00pm and then dragging out of bed Monday morning for an 8:50am class is terrible for anxiety.  Sleep meds only make things worse and really should only be taken with the psychiatrists oversight.

7. Exercise

Encourage your kid to sign up for the intramural leagues, especially for sports where there is little standing around time. Distraction and flow experience are essential in helping him or her focus on non-academic activities. It’s also a great way for them to be social without needing a drink in their hand.

Ok folks. Hope this helps you figure out the best way to help that college kid who may be struggling as you’re getting through the fear of letting go. It’s an exciting time and, with the right strategies in the beginning, can be the start to a fantastic semester.

Mental Health Support on College Campuses: What Parents Need to Know

Most larger universities like Indiana University (close to where my office is located) have health programs called CAPS which stands for Counseling and Psychological Service. They are often staffed with licensed therapists/counselors and psychiatrists with a range of experience and expertise. Their primary goal is to act as a stabilizing resource for most mental/behavioral health or substance use issues. Many university CAPS typically offer individual, group and couples counseling along with occassional free workshops. Here’s the list from IU CAPS on what they typical help with:

  • Academic Concerns
  • Relationship Concerns
  • Stress Management
  • Power and Privilege
  • Time Management Help
  • Sleeping Issues
  • Adjusting to College Life
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Substance Use
  • Body Image, Eating, and Exercise Concerns
  • Sexual Assault or Abuse

They have the same confidentiality requirements as counselors like me off campus but are limited in many ways. CAPS limits the number of unpaid sessions (IU CAPS allows for two) and mandates that a student must be working with one of their counselors if they want to meet with a psychiatrist for medication management/evaluation. Here’s a breakdown of IU CAPS fees:

COUNSELING  With IU Health Fee  W/O IU Health Fee
First two sessions (per semester) No charge $55 per session
Additional full sessions $30 per session $55 per session
Additional half sessions $20 per half session $35 per half session
Additional group counseling $15 per 60 min. session

$17 per 90 min. session

$29 per 60 min. session

$35 per 90 min. session

PSYCHIATRY
First visit $55 $105
Follow-up visit $30 per visit $55 per visit

IU CAPS does not accept insurance but does provide a super detailed invoice to be submitted to a student’s insurance company for reimbursement.
Over the last few years, I’ve noticed many CAPS programs around the country have had a huge increase in demand for their services while also having budget cuts or mediocre increases that leave them without the full team of professionals they need for each semester. At IU CAPS, every one counselor is responsible for 2,110 students (yikes!). This is not a new problem at IU and not isolated to IU.

So what can a parent or student do? If CAPS doesn’t seem like a good option, look for a therapist/counselor convenient to campus who specializes in college students. Therapists should be flexible to accommodate busy course loads and social events. In my practice, I have extended evening and weekend hours since many students a slammed with class 9-4pm most days. It’s also important that the therapist be willing to talk with parents and provide updates and suggestions. Parents can sometimes feel like their kids are a million miles away. A good therapist can often act as a bridge and lower the anxiety associated with having kids at school.

Finally, talk with CAPS (or encourage your son or daughter to) the first week of school. It’s easier to cancel an appointment than to stand in line after all the students are back on campus. The intake process should be thorough and your kid shoul feel like the therapist/counselor will really understand their issues and help.

Insider’s Guide: How to Pay for Therapeutic Boarding School (2017 UPDATE)

Before we dive into understanding the options for paying for a Therapeutic Boarding School, let’s quickly review what they are.

The Rise of Therapeutic Boarding Schools

Image result for boarding schoolAs public schools across the country have slowly been pruned back by state legislatures, funding for behavioral, emotional and academic support within schools have nearly dried up while public money is increasingly being used for private charter schools. Therefore, it’s not surprising private institutions that offer therapeutic (or quasi-therapeutic) environments like boarding schools and private schools have exploded. One of the fastest growing kinds of boarding schools is what’s called a Therapeutic Boarding School. Therapeutic boarding schools maintain the advantages of traditional boarding schools such as intimate class sizes, individual attention, great academics, developing student self-reliance, and the fun of living with peers in a completely “child-friendly” environment.

Some therapeutic boarding schools specialize in helping teens overcome certain psychological problems such as Attention Deficit Disorder, Bipolar, Asperger’s and even Depression. Others have programs for overcoming substance abuse problems or achieving weight loss. Some specialize in helping students who lack motivation get a fresh start in a nurturing environment. Most have some sort of family or parent involvement piece to ensure a team approach (ie. Weekly family therapy via phone or Skype).

While this all may sound great, there are definitely some risks and downsides (beyond the financial cost) of sending a kiddo off to therapeutic boarding school. I address those issues in great detail in another blog post. For now, let’s revisit the financial aspects…

Expense or Investment?

Parents often find themselves in a desperate situation with a troubled teenager. Their daughter runs away from home again, gets caught with the dealer down the street, crashes another car, and has yet another arrest. Parents become afraid for their teen’s lives as their teen’s risk-taking and lifestyle keeps becoming more extreme as the parents’ ability to set boundaries and expectations seemingly erodes.

It’s hard to think clearly and find solutions at times like this. Therapeutic boarding schools and therapeutic wilderness programs can provide answers, but they come at a price, with some programs running upwards of $50,000 a year.

But cost doesn’t have to be an insurmountable obstacle in getting your teen the help they need. We have helped countless parents in similar situations come up with creative ways to finance therapeutic boarding school, knowing that their child desperately needs an intervention. Therapeutic boarding schools are no longer exclusively the domain of the wealthy.

Top 10 Ways to Pay for Therapeutic Boarding School

Image result for therapeutic boarding school

Here are 10 ways families just like yours found to finance their teen’s therapeutic program:

1.   Hire a Consultant: Say what? More money? Yes, but trust me, this really will have super high ROI. Also referred to as case managers, therapeutic placement consultants or educational consultants, a good one is worth their weight in gold (a bad one is expensive and makes bad treatment recommendations). Make sure they are UNAFFILIATED with any program and have the clinical expertise to help advise and guide your family through the whole process. Some clinical educational consultants that specialize are able to handle this. A great case manager will be able to create a treatment plan, explain the process for getting a comprehensive psychological evaluation, walk with you through the intake process, support you while your teen is in the therapeutic boarding school, and coordinate discharge planning to ensure a seamless transition back to home or college. The last piece is essential – making sure your teen has everything they need to succeed after they return. Great case managers also know how to secure reimbursement from insurance providers for teens that attend therapeutic boarding schools. There are definitely some tricks (eg. Hire a case manager that’s also a licensed professional counselor and much of their work could be paid for by insurance) and inside knowledge necessary to make this happen.

Typical cost: $95 – 350/hr (some charge a flat fee of several thousand). 

2. Find the Program’s Financial Aid Officer: The private school or wilderness program should have a financial aid officer who can advise you about how to finance your child’s education. You should ask this person what programs, loans, discounts, or financial aid the school offers. Find out exactly what is included in the tuition and board bills, and if there are additional expenses such as buying uniforms or paying special fees for sports.

Typical Cost: Nothing – programs provide this to try to entice you into signing up. Beware of anything that sounds too good to be true – verify any claims they make about coverage from insurance, student grants/scholarships or loans. 

3.  Public School Funding: You may qualify for a loan through a kindergarten through 12th grade educational loan program. These loans work the same way as college loans, in that you pay what you can while your child is enrolled in the private school, and pay the rest off later. The terms of some loans let you spread out payments over 10 or 20 years. Your credit history will be a factor in securing a loan. Your school’s financial aid officer should be able to help you find such a loan.

Typical Cost: Your sanity – they will drive you crazy with the bureaucracy and take loads of time during your work day since everything in public school shuts down by 3:30pm. 

4.  Discounts for Upfront Payment: Some schools offer discounts if you pay by the year, instead of by the month. The average student stays at a therapeutic boarding school for less than two years, and wilderness programs are even shorter. A good therapeutic placement consultant/educational consultant will save you thousands of dollars by negotiating these discounts.

Typical Cost: More money upfront but no other associated costs. 

5. Tap 529: Consider using your child’s college fund first. Think of the therapeutic program as a way to get your child back on the right path toward college. Without intervention, she won’t have the grades or motivation to get through college and use her fund.

Typical Cost: Make sure there are no withdrawal penalties for use for therapeutic boarding school. 

6. Put it On Plastic: When you enroll your child in these therapeutic programs, there will be upfront expenses such as processing fees and deposits. Some parents borrow these initial payments from credit cards, especially ones that offer “frequent flier” miles. This way their child is immediately enrolled. They use their free mileage for transportation to and from the school.

Typical Cost: Beware of high interest rates if you don’t pay off your balance in full. 

7. Angel Investing: Some parents borrow the necessary funds from employers or relatives, and pay them back after securing educational loans or home equity loans.

Typical Cost: If you go through a peer-to-peer or crowdfunding site like The Lending Club or Kickstarter, count on a 5% fee for total amount funded. 

8. Health Insurance Reimbursement: Your health insurance policy may cover part of the cost of a therapeutic program as a medical expense. When you hire a case manager, they will be able to tell you how to file the paperwork and what you need from the program to ensure a speedy reimbursement.

Typical Cost: Sanity… totally lost if your insurer are jerks that don’t reimburse when and how they should. You are attempting to pull money from their cold, dead hands. Expect a fight.

9. Consult Your CPA: Some expenses for therapeutic schools and wilderness programs can be deducted from your income tax return as medical expenses. If you own your own business, you likely have WAY more creative options for deducting medical expenses.

Typical Cost: $200/hr for a good CPA to walk you through if and how to deduct from taxes.

10. Tap Home Equity: Parents have taken out second mortgages or home equity loans and then deducted their interest payments on their income tax returns.

Typical Cost: Fees, closing costs total 2-6%. It also bumps the timeframe for paying off that home back several years.

11. Public School Funding: We lied – there turns out to be 11 ways to pay for therapeutic boarding school. Is your child enrolled in public special education classes because of problems like attention deficit disorder and learning disabilities? Does your child have an “Individual Education Plan” at a public school? Do you suspect your child has learning problems that the public school cannot address? In certain cases, public school districts have to reimburse parents for private school tuitions. The Supreme Court ruled on June 22, 2009, that an Oregon school district had to reimburse a family for private school costs because the child in question could not achieve a free and appropriate education within the district. The child had not been enrolled in special education classes but was diagnosed later with attention deficit disorder.

When it comes to what matters most parents are unstoppable in finding ways to get the services and support they need. Don’t let cost be the determining factor. If your teen needs help, speak with a case manager, your trusted CPA as well as a therapeutic boarding school you’re considering and work together to find a way to get your teen back on track.

Insider’s Guide: Creating and Maintaining Boundaries

The small college I graduated from had a working farm in a beautiful valley with a river flowing through the middle. Students worked on the farm 15-20 hours per week planting corn, fixing tractors, and cleaning out the pig stalls. Our farm had a herd of cows that loved to poop, eat grass, drink from the streams and get into trouble. The college hired a farm manager who decided our primary focus should be keeping the cows out of trouble by fixing existing fences and building new ones with high-tensile wire (electric fencing) with solar chargers.

After months of slow progress, the cows were fenced-in and safe from their naughty excursions. But they continued trying to bust out of the new fancy fences so the farm manager said out next job was to create a ‘salad bar’ in each pasture. We removed massive thistles, dug up weeds, and filled in mysterious holes. We planted clover, fescues and other plants cows love. After a full season of work, the cows no longer tried to bust out.

They had a) strong fences and b) healthy pasture. The perfect combination of keeping cattle happy and in a good spot.

Image result for cows

Humans can be like those cows, especially young humans (teens and young adults). If we don’t build boundaries around them, they wonder-off into the world. We don’t want the boundaries too tight or they suffocate and don’t learn how to handle freedom. If the boundaries are inconsistent and full of gaps, they don’t have structure to lean on when the world gets hostile. Boundaries, like fences, require maintenance. Talking about your limits and the consequences if they are unmet is maintenance. Telling your son or daughter you are appreciative they came home by curphew last night is maintenance. Keep the fence maintained and it will be easier than looking for cows at 2:00am (I’ve done that before).

It’s also important to create that healthy pasture for kids. Create positive experiences at home, provide healthy food and love and attention. Give opportunities for engagement, ownership and rebounding from screw-ups. This is the healthy pasture for kids. Pastures also need maintenance. Checking in with kids and revisiting what you are providing as a homebase is essential. What sort of place is your home? Safe and welcoming or something to be avoided? Talk this out, don’t make assumptions.

Healthy fencing plus healthy pasture equals healthy cows. A simple experience I had which holds true today for families I work with.

 

Spring Semester Planning for Kids Returning to College

You made it! The kids made it home, the in-laws were tolerable and there weren’t a ton of gifts that needed returning. Now that everyone is headed back to campus, it’s time to either let that old anxiety creep in or spend some time on the front end helping your son or daughter develop a plan to be successful for Spring Semester.

Money

If you have not learned by now, discuss how much you are giving to your kid and when you’ll give it to them. You don’t want to find yourself in a defensive position Sunday night while your son is blowing up your phone begging for their regular spending money to be put into their account early. I recommend putting money into the account 2x/month. Put it on them to create a budget which factors in their books, fun money and any other expenses. I also recommend a limit is set for any credit cards and deciding who and when it will be paid off.

Organization

Talk about starting the semester off with everything in it’s place – clothing, car, computer. Let’s make sure everything is reviewed, updated and ready to go. While we’re at it, let’s pull up the calendar and start looking into the future to see when things will need to be re-updated. Get the oil change scheduled, even if it’s two months out. Get the printer cartridge in your Amazon Wish List so that you can move it to the cart quickly when your printer gives you a frowny face.

Scheduling

Speaking of calendars, let’s go ahead and talk scheduling more in-depth. I recommend to every college student they use the following strategy: Get all your syllabi, Put all dates for tests, papers, office hours, etc on your calendar. For tests, count back from the test date one week and put schedule study times (no longer than 90 min). Do the same for papers. Break down writing the paper into reasonable and realistic chunks of time and put them on your calendar. Theme: Put everything on your calendar, everything. If your son or daughter are in greek life, there are a ton of events that can be put on the calendar. Same with internships or study abroad – break down all the details so that you can see things from 10,000 ft.

Travel/Visiting Home

Plan out whatever travel including home visits your kid will have mor might have. If travel plans are only possible and not 100%, put a question mark after it so at least everyone knows that period of time is possibly accounted for.

GPA 

If your kid’s GPA got beatin up a bit in the Fall, it’s probably a good idea to identify a reasonable expectation for the Spring. If your son or daughter limped home with C’s and D’s, ask what is a realistic GPA for which to aim. Talk about it but make it clear there needs to be something concrete. . Along with identifying a GPA to aim for, talk about specific strategies that will be used to support them. All colleges have student support and academic support options. For instance, here in Bloomington, Indiana University has a solid Academic Support Center with a ton of resources that work well for thousands of students struggling academically.

Graduation/End of Semester

Part of that schedule should also have details that show your finals and last day of classes. Put details about studying for finals, having family in town, etc. If your son or daughter is graduating, figure out details early in the semester since 1) things get crazy busy/expensive during graduation and 2) hotel rooms get sold-out.

On Campus Help

Besides hooking up with academic support, it’s not a bad idea to find a counselor/life coach that can act as liaison between home and school. This professional should provide regular updates to parents, meet and be available as often as needed. They should be well-versed in young adult issues like anxiety, depression and ADHD. Universities often have counseling centers on campus that provide individual counseling for about six sessions and then they refer to a community professional. They might have ideas about professionals near your kid’s school that can offer support.

Final bit of advice – trust your kids and trust the process. With a bit of planning, your kid’s semester will have highs and lows but ultimately, they’ll finish the semester better than they started it.

Rewards, Consequences, Punishment…What’s the Best Way to Parent Teens and College Kids?

A simpler what to think of this post is “How to Change Behavior.” That’s really the primary function of a reward or consequence.

There are more books on how to change kids’ behavior than just about any other topic. Ironically (or sadly), they all say the same thing. Punishment does not work; rewards work consequences for choices work. How can this be? Let’s kick the tires on the history and research behind this. If you hate history and research, jump ahead a few pages to the ‘how-to’ portion.

Context: Let’s Look Back First

For thousands of years before the Industrial Revolution, children were assets in an agrarian system (most humans up to that point farmed). We had lots and lots of kids since a) children were relatively cheap labor, b) most died during childbirth or as children and c) adult children became financial support systems for parents – the more children parents had, the more financial support and broader financial base.

In 1916, Congress passed the the first federal child labor law. However, pressure from big companies forced the U.S. Supreme Court to strike down the law two years later. Following the Great Depression adults had become so desperate for jobs that they would work for the same wage as children.

In 1938, President Roosevelt signed the Fair Labor Standards Act, which limited most forms of child labor (but excluded agricultural work). This was the beginning of our modern view of children needing protection, love and nurturing. A pendulum was set in motion.

In 1946, another revolution took place. Dr. Benjamin Spock published his first book titled Dr. Spock’s Baby & Child Care (also titled The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care). Though a medical doctor by education and training, Dr. Spock’s books put children at the center of parenting rather than the adults. He encouraged responding to and engaging with babies and children rather than ignoring which was the advice up to then. The pendulum’s momentum builds.

Finally, we add in money and work. In the early 80’s, adults were working more, making more money and, as a result, needing to leave their children at home (the so-called ‘latch-key’ kids). Children would get dropped off from the bus and walk into an empty home. Cartoons and snacks were gorged upon till mom and dad came home. Guilt stricken parents with extra cash (…or more accurately extra room on their new credit cards) went and bought Ataris, Nintendos and the new wave of electronics and toys for kids. We were now descending into entitlement. About this time, school districts were changing punishment in schools (no more spankings).

How can old-school grandma and grandpa who raised 15 kids have been so wrong? All the kids turned out great, right? Well, let’s break this down a bit. First of all, it was a different time. No devices, internet and certainly little to no advertising directed towards children. All marketing was targeting stay at home mothers.

I also want to point out that most of these old school versions of parenting created some pretty nasty problems which is why the fastest growing demographics for substance abuse treatment are the Baby Boomers and the elderly. Old school punishment, drinking habits, and expectations led to a generation that was not well-equipped to handle stressors.

Now for the Goods

Here are the best ways to change behavior and encourage healthy choices. I’ve taught these, studied these and continue to stand by these effective strategies:

Commit to the Path

  1. Drawn into accidentally energizing and rewarding negativity leads to a battle – Be intentional about being positive
  2. Intentionally energize and nurture success
  3. Provide a true and deep consequence when a rule is broken – something that is proportional to the infraction
  4. Reward for what you want to see.
  5. Ignore behaviors you want see less of.

Establish Expectations and Boundaries

  1. Detailed rules/expectations and no grey area – kids are MASTER negotiators and litigators
  2. Chores and Expectations – daily schedule or list
  3. Bonus behaviors – Things you wish to increase
  4. Menu of privileges – Can include anything beyond basic needs
  5. Extend Structure – At school, friends house, soccer practice, etc.

Consequences

  1. Relentless pursuit of positives: Biased towards seeing your kid’s great choices.
  2. Strictness and Clarity: Be like a videogame – if a rule is broken, a consequence is administered no matter how you are feeling.
  3. No Leaking: Accidentally rewarding behavior with negative energy but they contribute to your kid behaving badly.
  4. Finite: Consequences do not expand and are tied to a specific behavior/event.

Rewards

  1. Catch them doing things right: When I run parent groups I ask parents to list the amount of things they caught their kids doing wrong in the last month. Easy list to make. Then I ask them to list three things they caught them doing right. Much harder. We are programmed to find faults in this attempt to modify kids behaviors towards compliance – making bad choices is the loud, obvious indication they are out of line. We we fail to see are the million little choices they make each day which are well-thought out and positive. Focus on those. Highlight those. “Hey Julian, I noticed you put the dishes away without anyone asking you to do it. Great job.” …And then move on. No need to get mushy and turn it into an Oprah interview about thoughts and feelings.
  2. Types of rewards: Your eye contact and facial expression are huge rewards for younger kids. Rather than giving kids an iPhone or XBox, I encourage parents to give time on each device or toy as a reward. Have you ever kept the car you rented at the airport? No, you paid them to borrow it for a specific amount of time and then returned it. There are few instances where I encourage parents to buy something to give to their kids as a reward. Time, praise, and access to cool things is often way better for everyone.
  3. Negotiating: If you find yourself constantly reminder, encouraging, begging, etc. for you kids to do A so they get access to B, you are violating your own rules. You are now negotiating.
  4. List of Rewards: In 2007, one parent I was working with could not understand why their teenage son was not motivated by the reward of time on their Blackberry (same year iPhone introduced). If they are not doing chores, getting good grades or engaging in the behavior you want to see, your rewards may be incongruent with their desires. Ask them to tell you what they’re into. Maybe its an allowance, money for iTunes or they want to borrow the car.

And Lastly…Own Your Home

This is a hard one for parents (… and most kids) but until responsibility for the mortgage, bills and everything that makes a home function is shared among all family members – parents rule. There is no such thing as the ‘kid’s’ room. Everything, every room, every toy, every piece of clothing is the parents’. Great parents allow their kids to use those things. Remember…privilges are not rights and kids get to own their choices, not their TV.

Good Luck.

5 Stupid Things My Teen is Doing

For this installment of Stupid Things, we start off nice and easy and then drop down into some weird crap. Kids are bored. I get it. We clearly need more devices since the iPhone 6 Plus, iPad, Mac, XBox, Playstation and all the other tech stuff just isn’t stimulating enough. We humbly present to you more stupid things teens are doing…

images (2)1. GoPro
GoPro is a small video device created for skateboarders, mountain bikers and surfers to self-film their adventures. GoPro went public this year. Why does this matter? Because their marketing budget exploded and with it, their target market which is now anyone who wants to film them self doing anything. Just let your imagination wander and you’ll soon realize why gopro-ing could be a problem for teens. They do some stupid prank at school, film it, post it on instagram and, voila! Instant evidence for the local DA to use against them.   

 

 

2. Vodka Eyeballingimages (1)
Pouring vodka in your eye sockets in order to get drunk faster and more efficiently is another dumb but real thing. It makes sense to the adolescent brain since the mouth is just soooo far away, best to use an eye. 

 

 

3. Beezin
Let’s continue our ‘eye’ theme. It’s called “Beezin,” (why do stupid teen things always leave off the last ‘g’?). Here’s the how-to – rub Burt’s Bees lip balm on the eyelids. It’s just that simple! No complicated steps like some of our other Stupid Things. The peppermint oil found in the balm creates a tingling sensation that some teens say enhances the feeling when they are already drunk or high. Others say its a way to keep them alert after a long night (…because that thing the brain and body do to restore itself each night is just soooo inconvenient, what’s that called? Oh, right! Sleep). If your kid is prone to stupid acts, look for pink-eye type irritation. Kids site the ‘natural’ ingredients as evidence of it’s safety but a Burt’s Bees rep argued “There are lots of natural things that probably shouldn’t go in eyes — dirt, twigs, leaves, food — and our lip balm.” 

images

 

4. Purple Drank
Just when you thought the good ‘ole days (1990’s) were behind us, creative teens desperate to feel something other than a stable middle class existence have resurrected use of cough syrup. Here’s the recipe – cough syrup, Mountain Dew (or Red Bull, etc) and Jolly Ranchers. Not sure what they’ll die from first, the dextromethorphan, guaifenesin, pseudoephedrine or Type II Diabetes. Keep an eye out for pilfered medicine cabinets (and pantries). 

 

 

5. Butt Chugging 
Yes, leave it only to bored American teens to come up with this one. It’s simple – take a tampon, soak it in alcohol, and insert into your butt. And yes, kids really do this.

That’s it folks. Join us next time for the sad but humorous exploration of how tomorrow’s leaders are spending their time today. 

7 Personal Finance Tips for College Kids

Yup - More advice for college kids.

Yup – More advice for college kids.

Chapel Hill is once again overrun with the bustle of students back at UNC. Restaurants are packed and campus is vibrating with the nervous excitement that envelopes our small town each Fall. Unfortunately, not all students are prepared to take-on the privilege and responsibility of freedom only a college student can experience.  Here are 7 Personal Finance Tips we have used with other kids and their parents. 

1. Finish Your Education

The only thing more expensive than a life without a college degree is a life with a partial degree and student loans. If your college student is struggling at State Univ with a bazillion other kids, take the next semester break to meet with a career counselor or clinical education consultant to discuss what about Big U. is not working for your kid. Don’t dump another penny into education until it’s towards the most effective environment for their learning. 

2. Set a Budget
Sit down with the parents, figure out what they are willing to provide either monthly, semester or for the whole year. This is your ‘income’ essentially. Next, calculate all your Essentials or Needs (beer is not a need). Things like printer cartridges, meal plan or food money, gas money if your off campus, text books. Next, figure out your Wants (this IS beer money). Add your Needs and Wants – this is your estimate in expenses. Break it down per week since doing it by months does not fit well with semester length. If you have $100 per week for your entire budget and your parents do a great job of ignoring request for additional injections of cash, you will quickly learn how to use a budget. We encourage parents to not put a lump sum in an account everything month – it’s way too tempting to blow through that in a week. Instead, put it in weekly based on the budget you all came up with. Any adjustments should be made during semester breaks in person. 

3. Invest (… a little)
What you’re lacking in capital (ie. $$$) you can make up for in time. With very little money put aside either each month or year, you’ll be able to take advantage of compound interest – the most magical of money making secrets. Here’s an example:
Let’s say you took $1,000 invested it August 2014 in a mutual fund with an interest rate of 5% per year as you were heading of to NYU for Fall classes. Each subsequent year, you put in only $250. After you graduate you get a job – not your dream job, but something that covers your bills with a little extra. You continue to put in $250 per year and do this for another 6 years. The total amount you invested was $1000 + ($250 x 9 years) =  $3250. But the cray thing is, your money has been quietly making little money babies in your mutual fund and the total value is actually $4,930.59. Nice. That’s $1700 in income you made without lifting a finger. What another magic trick? Put no more money in EVER and when you are 59 years old, that same $3250 will be worth $24,023.96. Play around with this calculator to see more about what money does over time. 

4. Learn Finance Basics
This is a great time to learn the basics about taxes, expenses, budgets and cost of living. Waiting until you’re 29 years old, married with a child on the way is the wrong time to start learning. Take advantage of any finance classes available at your school. Ask to help your parents during March and April while they prepare for taxes. The absolute most hardcore way to learn personal finance from my perspective is to start a business. This pushes you to understand basics of cashflow, expenses, revenue vs profits, taxes, selling, marketing and negotiating – all skills totally transferable to most other life domains. 

5. Lock Up Your Money
If you are a student and have money of your own either from a job or money from parents – consider putting it aside till you graduate. How do you figure out what to put aside? This is where our fancy-schmancy budget comes in. Figure out your reasonable realistic expenses for a semester X 8 semesters = Four years of college expenses. Life below your means (ie. income) and invest in yourself through education, relationships and experiences. Ignore all the crap other students stuff their dorms and apartments with and focus on yourself, getting the most out of your four years with low responsibility and high freedom. 

6. Get a Credit Card
The old school wisdom was to never get a credit card. Ideally, that sounds great – pay for everything with cash. Reality is credit (FICA credit score, that is) matters and credit cards are a great way to start building a great score. We recommend getting a credit card with a ceiling or spending limit that gets paid off each month. If the credit card is only used for school purchases like books, computer stuff, etc. it makes tracking the expenses for deductions and tax purposes way easier. It also helps provided easy tracking for expenses as relating to your new budget. Finally, it allows parents to easily review and pay the card balance while also getting card points if parents are in fact covering the bill. How to find one that fits? Try out Nerdwallet for some reviews on cards that seem well suited for the responsible college student. 

7. Work (…a little)
If you are privileged enough to not have to work while you’re in school, it’s not a bad idea to pick up a small part time job (or start a side business – ideas include laundry pickup, tutoring, making t-shirts). This will help build your resume and put some money in your savings account you’ll be able to tap when you graduate. If you’re taken out student loans, you’ll have to start repaying them within a few months of graduating so having a bit of a cushion in the bank will help lower your anxiety if finding a job or getting into grad school is tricker than planned. 

Ok, hope this helps get you all excited and prepared for the Fall semester. Contact us if you have specific questions about personal finance or career counseling for your college kid. 

FREE Parent Support Group: Residential Treatment and Higher Levels of Care

If you are a parent who wants to learn more about residential treatment for your teen or young adult child, our Parent Support Group is for you. This group is specially designed for Parents of Teens and Young Adult Children either in residential treatment or in need of residential treatment. Whether you have an acting out teen obsessed with gaming or a daughter exhibiting what seems like an eating disorder, residential treatment may be an option. But how do you choose? How do you know the good ones from the bad? We will walk you through the basics of the therapeutic program world through a discussion format. 

Topics will range from residential and treatment options, how to creatively pay for programs and use insurance, myths vs reality of treatment, parenting advice and skill building, and finally, sharing and venting. This is also an open forum to address any other problems related to acting out teens/adults – you’re not alone. 

WHEN

Mondays 7:00pm Starting September 8

WHERE

Fonthill Counseling Conference Room – 141 Providence Rd Suite 160 Chapel Hill NC 27514

COST

Free

FACILITATOR

Licensed therapist with expertise in residential treatment, counseling and parenting education will lead didactic, interactive and experiential sessions.  

RSVP

Due to limited seating, preregistration is required. Please email us at help@fonthillcounseling for sign-up instructions.