Insider’s Guide: Educational Consulting and Therapeutic Placement

It was warm, breezy day in the little cove where the treatment center was located where my client and her parents were standing. We were all on the back deck of the main building and the parents and I had just arrived. The client smiled after a few minutes of small talk and said, “Um, not to be rude or anything, but who are you?” Her parents looked mortified and embarrassed that she didn’t know who I was.

“My name is Rob Danzman and we’ve met several times before you came to treatment. I helped your parents find a healthy place for you.”

The client, after pausing for a second smiled again and said “I think I was so high I don’t even remember you. Thank you.” She started crying. Her parents started crying and they hugged.

There is a deep and broad gap between what families need and all of the treatment options available. There are a ton of variables to consider when your son or daughter need treatment, whether its outpatient therapy or residential treatment. Insurance, location, modality, diagnosis, and housing options are just a few things families need to consider when figuring out what’s best.

There is a dramatic range in expertise and costs and they are not often aligned. Some of the most expensive consultants with whom I’ve worked have minimal understanding of psychological conditions and the evidence-based approaches that best treat them. The goal of treatment is either assessment, intervention or maintenance of a behavioral health issue. If a consultant does not have a combination of academic and experiential background they may not serve clients well. In fact, my agency has worked with clients who were given terrible advice on what types of service to use. You would never have a mechanic give advice on spinal surgery because, while the mechanic may be really well-intentioned and personable, they may due considerable harm. The same is true when dealing with behavioral issues, many of which either in the short or long term may have life and death implications.

Evidence-based interventions need to be well understood and require clinical expertise. Therapeutic placements do a great job of presenting themselves as comfortable, safe and a good value yet many do not provide evidence-based treatments. Evidence based treatments are not for broad spectrum of psychological issues.

Another confusing aspect is the terminology. Decades ago, educational consultants did a few things and did them well – they focused on private school and college prep admissions. They provided deep advice on testing strategy, applications, and how to write a great essay. They coached clients through interviewing and often the whole education process. But over the years, ECs expanded their service offerings, often outside of their area of expertise. ECs without credentials or appropriate degrees started advising parents on treatment recommendations, presumably assuming that applying to a treatment center is similar if not the same as applying to college. Since those wild-west days of ECs pushing kids into cookie-cutter programs and charging a fortune, more clinicians with actual therapeutic experience have entered the EC world. Granted, there is still the old guard of older, white women who had their own children placed in a treatment center and saw an opportunity to help other families while making good money in an unregulated field. There are essentially only one entity that oversee ECs – the Independent Educational Consultants Association. The division continues to widen between those serving families

EC should not receive gifts from treatment centers though it’s not unusual for them to have travel expenses covered when they are touring programs.

There is a symbiotic relationship between treatment centers and ECs. Treatment centers count on ECs for referrals. ECs count on treatment programs to cover travel expenses and, sometimes, provide referrals back to the ECs when a client needs a different placement or the family needs advice on treatment options.  

Where to Find These Magical Beings

First thing to do is just google the terms “educational consultant” and “treatment.” You should get plenty of options that pop up. You could also just contact my agency but I’m a bit biased since I believe we do great work for a fair price.

Next way to find a placement consultant is to go to the Independent Educational Consultants Association (IECA) website (below in the Resources section) and look for the ‘Search’ option under the Parents tab. All of the people listed in this resource are paying members of IECA and met the IECA’s criteria. If you are going this route, I encourage you to, at a minimum, look for a consultant who has a graduate degree in a behavioral health discipline like counseling, psychology or marriage and family. Pastoral counselors or ‘Qualified Mental Health Practioners’ are not nearly qualified enough. It’s even better if they are a licensed professional (eg. Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker).

Do Your Homework

A great EC can support your family through the most difficult times while a bad EC can cost your valuable time and money and have nothing to show for it or set things back even further with a terrible placement.

Consult: If you can’t meet them face to face, then schedule a call with them. Before you go into any details, dig into the business end of their service first. Do they offer therapeutic placement consulting or do they focus on prep school and college? What are ALL the costs associated with what they do. What is their degree in and what active licenses do they hold. Ask if they are a member of any associations and if they have any disciplinary actions against them. Ask when and how they got into educational consulting. Ask what the scope of their work is – Do they meet clients at treatment centers for admissions? Do they continue to work with families while the client is in treatment? Do they assist with discharge planning?

Payment: Another thing to consider is how the ED gets paid. It’s important to understand whether the EC sends you an invoice and bills as they go along or do they receive a retainer upfront. Though not a deal breaker, I don’t like asking for retainers from clients for the same reason I don’t like attorneys collecting a retainer from me. They have my money and pull from it as they do work. I’d prefer to pay for things as we go along through a project. We only accept credit cards so that a) there is protection for the client and b) we don’t need to run after clients to pay an invoice. We also itemize every time we charge a client’s card so that everything is 100% transparent. Ask about how folks get paid before you agree to work with them. If they can’t agree to provide itemized billing or seem too focused on money upfront, you may want to consider working with someone else.

Guarantee: It’s unlikely anyone is going to offer you a guarantee for their services but it doesn’t mean you can’t ask about their responsibility if a treatment option doesn’t work or a treatment option can’t be found in a reasonable amount of time.

Cost

Take a deep breath for this section. Expect to pay between $10,000 – $300. Yes, I know that’s a ridiculously large range but there are no regulations on what an EC can charge. The spectrum of fees is truly that big. Some charge as much as $10,000 for a placement. They may put in 5-10 hrs but their rate doesn’t change. Other ECs charge a lower rate but most have a basic flat fee which covers support and advice through the admissions process. In my humble opinion, a lower flat fee or hourly rate is more fare. For instance, my agency has a free consultation to determine if someone really needs an EC. If we determine the client really can’t find an appropriate treatment option on their own, we charge $179 per hour and use as few hours as possible. We’ve had client come to us after spending $25,000 on placement services only to realize the ECs they were using had no clue about severe clinical issues like substance abuse and schizophrenia. Fortunately, we quickly found them services and billed them less than $500.

FAQ

Q: I know how to do internet researching. Why can’t I just find a treatment program on my own?

A: You could totally do this own your own. There are three easy steps. First – get a graduate degree in some counseling or psychological discipline to learn the clinical aspects of behavioral health and intervention. Next – work in the behavioral health industry for about five years so you can see what makes a program great and what makes a program terrible. Finally – go and visit 50 treatment programs. Granted, that will take a few years, and by the time you’re finished visiting, staff at each program will likely have changed (so start over). Ultimately, this experience  will be very helpful in determining which programs are good and which ones you would not trust to take care of your house plants. After all these steps, you should totally do some internet searching to decide which program is most effective at serving your loved one.

Resources

Independent Educational Consultants Association – https://www.iecaonline.com/

Rewards, Consequences, Punishment…What’s the Best Way to Parent Teens and College Kids?

A simpler what to think of this post is “How to Change Behavior.” That’s really the primary function of a reward or consequence.

There are more books on how to change kids’ behavior than just about any other topic. Ironically (or sadly), they all say the same thing. Punishment does not work; rewards work consequences for choices work. How can this be? Let’s kick the tires on the history and research behind this. If you hate history and research, jump ahead a few pages to the ‘how-to’ portion.

Context: Let’s Look Back First

For thousands of years before the Industrial Revolution, children were assets in an agrarian system (most humans up to that point farmed). We had lots and lots of kids since a) children were relatively cheap labor, b) most died during childbirth or as children and c) adult children became financial support systems for parents – the more children parents had, the more financial support and broader financial base.

In 1916, Congress passed the the first federal child labor law. However, pressure from big companies forced the U.S. Supreme Court to strike down the law two years later. Following the Great Depression adults had become so desperate for jobs that they would work for the same wage as children.

In 1938, President Roosevelt signed the Fair Labor Standards Act, which limited most forms of child labor (but excluded agricultural work). This was the beginning of our modern view of children needing protection, love and nurturing. A pendulum was set in motion.

In 1946, another revolution took place. Dr. Benjamin Spock published his first book titled Dr. Spock’s Baby & Child Care (also titled The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care). Though a medical doctor by education and training, Dr. Spock’s books put children at the center of parenting rather than the adults. He encouraged responding to and engaging with babies and children rather than ignoring which was the advice up to then. The pendulum’s momentum builds.

Finally, we add in money and work. In the early 80’s, adults were working more, making more money and, as a result, needing to leave their children at home (the so-called ‘latch-key’ kids). Children would get dropped off from the bus and walk into an empty home. Cartoons and snacks were gorged upon till mom and dad came home. Guilt stricken parents with extra cash (…or more accurately extra room on their new credit cards) went and bought Ataris, Nintendos and the new wave of electronics and toys for kids. We were now descending into entitlement. About this time, school districts were changing punishment in schools (no more spankings).

How can old-school grandma and grandpa who raised 15 kids have been so wrong? All the kids turned out great, right? Well, let’s break this down a bit. First of all, it was a different time. No devices, internet and certainly little to no advertising directed towards children. All marketing was targeting stay at home mothers.

I also want to point out that most of these old school versions of parenting created some pretty nasty problems which is why the fastest growing demographics for substance abuse treatment are the Baby Boomers and the elderly. Old school punishment, drinking habits, and expectations led to a generation that was not well-equipped to handle stressors.

Now for the Goods

Here are the best ways to change behavior and encourage healthy choices. I’ve taught these, studied these and continue to stand by these effective strategies:

Commit to the Path

  1. Drawn into accidentally energizing and rewarding negativity leads to a battle – Be intentional about being positive
  2. Intentionally energize and nurture success
  3. Provide a true and deep consequence when a rule is broken – something that is proportional to the infraction
  4. Reward for what you want to see.
  5. Ignore behaviors you want see less of.

Establish Expectations and Boundaries

  1. Detailed rules/expectations and no grey area – kids are MASTER negotiators and litigators
  2. Chores and Expectations – daily schedule or list
  3. Bonus behaviors – Things you wish to increase
  4. Menu of privileges – Can include anything beyond basic needs
  5. Extend Structure – At school, friends house, soccer practice, etc.

Consequences

  1. Relentless pursuit of positives: Biased towards seeing your kid’s great choices.
  2. Strictness and Clarity: Be like a videogame – if a rule is broken, a consequence is administered no matter how you are feeling.
  3. No Leaking: Accidentally rewarding behavior with negative energy but they contribute to your kid behaving badly.
  4. Finite: Consequences do not expand and are tied to a specific behavior/event.

Rewards

  1. Catch them doing things right: When I run parent groups I ask parents to list the amount of things they caught their kids doing wrong in the last month. Easy list to make. Then I ask them to list three things they caught them doing right. Much harder. We are programmed to find faults in this attempt to modify kids behaviors towards compliance – making bad choices is the loud, obvious indication they are out of line. We we fail to see are the million little choices they make each day which are well-thought out and positive. Focus on those. Highlight those. “Hey Julian, I noticed you put the dishes away without anyone asking you to do it. Great job.” …And then move on. No need to get mushy and turn it into an Oprah interview about thoughts and feelings.
  2. Types of rewards: Your eye contact and facial expression are huge rewards for younger kids. Rather than giving kids an iPhone or XBox, I encourage parents to give time on each device or toy as a reward. Have you ever kept the car you rented at the airport? No, you paid them to borrow it for a specific amount of time and then returned it. There are few instances where I encourage parents to buy something to give to their kids as a reward. Time, praise, and access to cool things is often way better for everyone.
  3. Negotiating: If you find yourself constantly reminder, encouraging, begging, etc. for you kids to do A so they get access to B, you are violating your own rules. You are now negotiating.
  4. List of Rewards: In 2007, one parent I was working with could not understand why their teenage son was not motivated by the reward of time on their Blackberry (same year iPhone introduced). If they are not doing chores, getting good grades or engaging in the behavior you want to see, your rewards may be incongruent with their desires. Ask them to tell you what they’re into. Maybe its an allowance, money for iTunes or they want to borrow the car.

And Lastly…Own Your Home

This is a hard one for parents (… and most kids) but until responsibility for the mortgage, bills and everything that makes a home function is shared among all family members – parents rule. There is no such thing as the ‘kid’s’ room. Everything, every room, every toy, every piece of clothing is the parents’. Great parents allow their kids to use those things. Remember…privilges are not rights and kids get to own their choices, not their TV.

Good Luck.

Insider’s Guide: How to Pay for Therapeutic Boarding School (UPDATED for 2015!)

Before we dive into understanding the options for Therapeutic Boarding Schools, let’s quickly review what they are

The Rise of Therapeutic Boarding Schools

As public schools across the country have slowly been pruned back by state legislatures, funding for behavioral, emotional and academic support have nearly dried up. Therefore, it’s not surprising private institutions like boarding schools and private schools have exploded. One of the fastest growing kinds of boarding schools is called Therapeutic Boarding Schools. Therapeutic boarding schools maintain the advantages of traditional boarding schools such as intimate class sizes, individual attention, great academics, developing student self-reliance, and the fun of living with peers in a completely “child-friendly” environment.

Some therapeutic boarding schools specialize in helping teens overcome certain psychological problems such as Attention Deficit Disorder, Bipolar, Asperger’s and even Depression. Others have programs for overcoming substance abuse problems or achieving weight loss. Some specialize in helping students who lack motivation get a fresh start in a nurturing environment. Most have some sort of family or parent involvement piece to ensure a team approach (ie. Weekly family therapy via phone or Skype).

Expense or Investment?

Parents often find themselves in a desperate situation with a troubled teenager. Their daughter runs away from home again, gets caught with the dealer down the street, crashes another car, and has yet another arrest. Parents become afraid for their teen’s lives as their teen’s risk-taking and lifestyle keeps becoming more extreme as the parents’ ability to set boundaries and expectations seemingly erodes.

It’s hard to think clearly and find solutions at times like this. Therapeutic boarding schools and therapeutic wilderness programs can provide answers, but they come at a price, with some programs running upwards of $50,000 a year.

But cost doesn’t have to be an insurmountable obstacle in getting your teen the help they need. We have helped countless parents in similar situations come up with creative ways to finance therapeutic boarding school, knowing that their child desperately needs an intervention. Therapeutic boarding schools are no longer exclusively the domain of the wealthy.

Top 10 Ways to Pay for Therapeutic Boarding School

Here are 10 ways families just like yours found to finance their teen’s therapeutic program:

1.   Hire a Case Manager: Say what? More money? Yes. Just like a good tax professional can save you big time when filing, a good case manager can be well worth their weight in gold. Make sure they are UNAFFILIATED with any program and have the clinical expertise to help advise and guide your family through the whole process. Some clinical educational consultants that specialize are able to handle this. A great case manager will be able to create a treatment plan, explain the process for getting a comprehensive psychological evaluation, walk with you through the intake process, support you while your teen is in the therapeutic boarding school, and coordinate discharge planning to ensure a seamless transition back to home or college. The last piece is essential – making sure your teen has everything they need to succeed after they return. Great case managers also know how to secure reimbursement from insurance providers for teens that attend therapeutic boarding schools. There are definitely some tricks (eg. Hire a case manager that’s also a licensed professional counselor and much of their work could be paid for by insurance) and inside knowledge necessary to make this happen.
Typical cost: $95 – 350/hr (some charge a flat fee of several thousand). 

2. Find the Program’s Financial Aid Officer: The private school or wilderness program should have a financial aid officer who can advise you about how to finance your child’s education. You should ask this person what programs, loans, discounts, or financial aid the school offers. Find out exactly what is included in the tuition and board bills, and if there are additional expenses such as buying uniforms or paying special fees for sports.
Typical Cost: Nothing – programs provide this to try to entice you into signing up. Beware of anything that sounds too good to be true – verify any claims they make about coverage from insurance, student grants/scholarships or loans. 

3.  Public School Funding: You may qualify for a loan through a kindergarten through 12th grade educational loan program. These loans work the same way as college loans, in that you pay what you can while your child is enrolled in the private school, and pay the rest off later. The terms of some loans let you spread out payments over 10 or 20 years. Your credit history will be a factor in securing a loan. Your school’s financial aid officer should be able to help you find such a loan.
Typical Cost: Your sanity – they will drive you crazy with the bureaucracy and take loads of time during your work day since everything in public school shuts down by 3:30pm. 

4.  Discounts for Upfront Payment: Some schools offer discounts if you pay by the year, instead of by the month. The average student stays at a therapeutic boarding school for less than two years, and wilderness programs are even shorter.
Typical Cost: More money upfront but no other associated costs. 

5. Tap 529: Consider using your child’s college fund first. Think of the therapeutic program as a way to get your child back on the right path toward college. Without intervention, she won’t have the grades or motivation to get through college and use her fund.
Typical Cost: Make sure there are no withdrawal penalties for use for therapeutic boarding school. 

6. Put it On Plastic: When you enroll your child in these therapeutic programs, there will be upfront expenses such as processing fees and deposits. Some parents borrow these initial payments from credit cards, especially ones that offer “frequent flier” miles. This way their child is immediately enrolled. They use their free mileage for transportation to and from the school.
Typical Cost: Beware of high interest rates if you don’t pay off your balance in full. 

7. Angel Investing: Some parents borrow the necessary funds from employers or relatives, and pay them back after securing educational loans or home equity loans.
Typical Cost: If you go through a peer-to-peer or crowdfunding site like The Lending Club or Kickstarter, count on a 5% fee for total amount funded. 

8. Health Insurance Reimbursement: Your health insurance policy may cover part of the cost of a therapeutic program as a medical expense. When you hire a case manager, they will be able to tell you how to file the paperwork and what you need from the program to ensure a speedy reimbursement.
Typical Cost: Sanity… totally lost if your insurer are jerks that don’t reimburse when and how they should. You are attempting to pull money from their cold, dead hands. Expect a fight.

9. Consult Your CPA: Some expenses for therapeutic schools and wilderness programs can be deducted from your income tax return as medical expenses. If you own your own business, you likely have WAY more creative options for deducting medical expenses. 
Typical Cost: $200/hr for a good CPA to walk you through if and how to deduct from taxes. 

10. Tap Home Equity: Parents have taken out second mortgages or home equity loans and then deducted their interest payments on their income tax returns.
Typical Cost: Fees, closing costs total 2-6%. It also bumps the timeframe for paying off that home back several years.

11. Public School Funding: We lied – there turns out to be 11 ways to pay for therapeutic boarding school. Is your child enrolled in public special education classes because of problems like attention deficit disorder and learning disabilities? Does your child have an “Individual Education Plan” at a public school? Do you suspect your child has learning problems that the public school cannot address? In certain cases, public school districts have to reimburse parents for private school tuitions. The Supreme Court ruled on June 22, 2009, that an Oregon school district had to reimburse a family for private school costs because the child in question could not achieve a free and appropriate education within the district. The child had not been enrolled in special education classes but was diagnosed later with attention deficit disorder.

When it comes to what matters most parents are unstoppable in finding ways to get the services and support they need. Don’t let cost be the determining factor. If your teen needs help, speak with a case manager, your trusted CPA as well as a therapeutic boarding school you’re considering and work together to find a way to get your teen back on track.

7 Personal Finance Tips for College Kids

Yup - More advice for college kids.

Yup – More advice for college kids.

Chapel Hill is once again overrun with the bustle of students back at UNC. Restaurants are packed and campus is vibrating with the nervous excitement that envelopes our small town each Fall. Unfortunately, not all students are prepared to take-on the privilege and responsibility of freedom only a college student can experience.  Here are 7 Personal Finance Tips we have used with other kids and their parents. 

1. Finish Your Education

The only thing more expensive than a life without a college degree is a life with a partial degree and student loans. If your college student is struggling at State Univ with a bazillion other kids, take the next semester break to meet with a career counselor or clinical education consultant to discuss what about Big U. is not working for your kid. Don’t dump another penny into education until it’s towards the most effective environment for their learning. 

2. Set a Budget
Sit down with the parents, figure out what they are willing to provide either monthly, semester or for the whole year. This is your ‘income’ essentially. Next, calculate all your Essentials or Needs (beer is not a need). Things like printer cartridges, meal plan or food money, gas money if your off campus, text books. Next, figure out your Wants (this IS beer money). Add your Needs and Wants – this is your estimate in expenses. Break it down per week since doing it by months does not fit well with semester length. If you have $100 per week for your entire budget and your parents do a great job of ignoring request for additional injections of cash, you will quickly learn how to use a budget. We encourage parents to not put a lump sum in an account everything month – it’s way too tempting to blow through that in a week. Instead, put it in weekly based on the budget you all came up with. Any adjustments should be made during semester breaks in person. 

3. Invest (… a little)
What you’re lacking in capital (ie. $$$) you can make up for in time. With very little money put aside either each month or year, you’ll be able to take advantage of compound interest – the most magical of money making secrets. Here’s an example:
Let’s say you took $1,000 invested it August 2014 in a mutual fund with an interest rate of 5% per year as you were heading of to NYU for Fall classes. Each subsequent year, you put in only $250. After you graduate you get a job – not your dream job, but something that covers your bills with a little extra. You continue to put in $250 per year and do this for another 6 years. The total amount you invested was $1000 + ($250 x 9 years) =  $3250. But the cray thing is, your money has been quietly making little money babies in your mutual fund and the total value is actually $4,930.59. Nice. That’s $1700 in income you made without lifting a finger. What another magic trick? Put no more money in EVER and when you are 59 years old, that same $3250 will be worth $24,023.96. Play around with this calculator to see more about what money does over time. 

4. Learn Finance Basics
This is a great time to learn the basics about taxes, expenses, budgets and cost of living. Waiting until you’re 29 years old, married with a child on the way is the wrong time to start learning. Take advantage of any finance classes available at your school. Ask to help your parents during March and April while they prepare for taxes. The absolute most hardcore way to learn personal finance from my perspective is to start a business. This pushes you to understand basics of cashflow, expenses, revenue vs profits, taxes, selling, marketing and negotiating – all skills totally transferable to most other life domains. 

5. Lock Up Your Money
If you are a student and have money of your own either from a job or money from parents – consider putting it aside till you graduate. How do you figure out what to put aside? This is where our fancy-schmancy budget comes in. Figure out your reasonable realistic expenses for a semester X 8 semesters = Four years of college expenses. Life below your means (ie. income) and invest in yourself through education, relationships and experiences. Ignore all the crap other students stuff their dorms and apartments with and focus on yourself, getting the most out of your four years with low responsibility and high freedom. 

6. Get a Credit Card
The old school wisdom was to never get a credit card. Ideally, that sounds great – pay for everything with cash. Reality is credit (FICA credit score, that is) matters and credit cards are a great way to start building a great score. We recommend getting a credit card with a ceiling or spending limit that gets paid off each month. If the credit card is only used for school purchases like books, computer stuff, etc. it makes tracking the expenses for deductions and tax purposes way easier. It also helps provided easy tracking for expenses as relating to your new budget. Finally, it allows parents to easily review and pay the card balance while also getting card points if parents are in fact covering the bill. How to find one that fits? Try out Nerdwallet for some reviews on cards that seem well suited for the responsible college student. 

7. Work (…a little)
If you are privileged enough to not have to work while you’re in school, it’s not a bad idea to pick up a small part time job (or start a side business – ideas include laundry pickup, tutoring, making t-shirts). This will help build your resume and put some money in your savings account you’ll be able to tap when you graduate. If you’re taken out student loans, you’ll have to start repaying them within a few months of graduating so having a bit of a cushion in the bank will help lower your anxiety if finding a job or getting into grad school is tricker than planned. 

Ok, hope this helps get you all excited and prepared for the Fall semester. Contact us if you have specific questions about personal finance or career counseling for your college kid. 

FREE Parent Support Group: Residential Treatment and Higher Levels of Care

If you are a parent who wants to learn more about residential treatment for your teen or young adult child, our Parent Support Group is for you. This group is specially designed for Parents of Teens and Young Adult Children either in residential treatment or in need of residential treatment. Whether you have an acting out teen obsessed with gaming or a daughter exhibiting what seems like an eating disorder, residential treatment may be an option. But how do you choose? How do you know the good ones from the bad? We will walk you through the basics of the therapeutic program world through a discussion format. 

Topics will range from residential and treatment options, how to creatively pay for programs and use insurance, myths vs reality of treatment, parenting advice and skill building, and finally, sharing and venting. This is also an open forum to address any other problems related to acting out teens/adults – you’re not alone. 

WHEN

Mondays 7:00pm Starting September 8

WHERE

Fonthill Counseling Conference Room – 141 Providence Rd Suite 160 Chapel Hill NC 27514

COST

Free

FACILITATOR

Licensed therapist with expertise in residential treatment, counseling and parenting education will lead didactic, interactive and experiential sessions.  

RSVP

Due to limited seating, preregistration is required. Please email us at help@fonthillcounseling for sign-up instructions. 

Time to Start Thinking about Cyberbullying Again

Cyberbullying: The Fist of Technology

By Mary Hannah Ellis

Most of you probably remember your school bully at each level of your education – the tall fifth grader who liked to knock over kindergartners on the playground, or the burly, egotistical jock who made everyone else feel inferior with his brash jokes. However, a student could mostly avoid these school bullies by staying out of their way. Today, technology has enabled a new, ubiquitous form of bullying called “cyberbullying.” Cyberbullying involves a minor’s harassment, tormenting, humiliation, embarrassment, threatening, or otherwise targeting of another minor via technology.

Cyberbullying occurs through a variety of media, including social networking sites, text messages, online chat services, and email messages, to name a few. Facebook and twitter are some of the most active sites for cyberbullying

Do you suspect that your child or teen is a cyberbully or a victim of cyberbullying? Here are some warning signs to consider:

Your child or teen may be engaging in cyberbullying if he/she:

• Constantly uses the computer, even at all hours of the night

• Is secretive about his/her activities on the computer

• Appears nervous when using the computer or cell phone

• Quickly stops using the computer or switches screens when someone approaches

• Becomes excessively angry when cell phone or computer privileges are revoked

• Uses multiple accounts on different websites

Your child or teen may be a victim of cyberbullying if he/she:

• Unexpectedly stops using the computer or cell phone

• Avoids talking about what he/she is doing on the computer or cell phone

• Appears nervous upon receiving a text message, chat message, or email message

• Appears angry, depressed, upset, or frustrated after using the computer or cell phone

• Withdraws from interacting with usual friends

• Seems uneasy about going to school or going out in public

Children and teens who are victims of cyberbullying are more likely to use alcohol and drugs, have lower self-esteem, skip school, experience physical bullying, have poor academic performance, and have more physical health problems. Interestingly enough, cyberbullies themselves are also more likely to be bullied in real life and to have low self-esteem. There is also a significant risk of suicidal ideation associated with cyberbullying. With very little warning, a victimized kid could snap and hurt themselves or others. Without a doubt, cyberbullies and victims of cyberbullying could benefit from counseling or psychological intervention.

Contact us to find out how we can help.

Fonthill Response to Vice Article: AMERICAN TEENS ARE BEING TRAPPED IN ABUSIVE ‘DRUG REHAB CENTRES’

To those outside our field of therapeutic schools and programs, it makes sense that Matt Shea‘s article from May 2013 in Vice titled American Teens are Being Trapped in ‘Abusive Drug Rehab Centres’ is alarming.

To those of us in the field it’s a joke. You can read the whole article here: http://goo.gl/zW43F and judge for yourself. It’s a joke not because it’s inaccurate and not because there are no failures within the industry. It’s a joke because, just like so many other ‘journalists’ he paints a picture with such broad strokes that Mr. Shea fails to really understand the pressures, the people and, as cliche as it may sound, the passion with which so many in this field work. Mr. Shea fails to sort out the fiction from fact.

But how else can a budding journalist get retweeted and get his name out there without this version of quicky-journalism? Had Mr. Shea visited programs like many of us in the mental health and educational consulting world do, he would quickly meet and have experiences  which deepen his 2 dimensional paradigm. He would have been driven out into the remote and hot Utah desert to meet with small groups of teens guided by thoughtful and well-trained staff working on individual enrichment projects. He would leave thankful he never had to endure a Spring or Summer like they do yet, somehow, understands that this programming is providing a level of nurturing and structure significantly lacking in their home lives.

Let’s address the reference and correlation Mr. Shea makes between the therapeutic industry and Josh Shipp of MTV fame. Let’s revisit part of Mr. Shea’s article now…

Shipp is your classic Jerry Springer brand of therapist – no real qualifications, a huge ego and a penchant for money and entertaining TV over science and genuine psychology. “I’m a teen behaviour specialist,” he says in the intro. “My approach is gritty, gutsy and in your face.”

If he had actually spent time with Josh Shipp AND real mental/behavioral health and substance abuse professionals – he would very quickly understand that Mr. Shipp (…Mr. is used loosely here) does not represent the values of folks in this industry, an industry that is run by licensed clinicians and professionals. Mr. Shipp is nothing more than a court jester providing entertainment. He’s a monkey with two cymbals making noise and no signal for his ‘edgy’ reality-TV pushers at MTV (MTV is still around?). Occasionally, I’m sure there are teens and even parents (and maybe the rare delusion clinician) that hear the Shipp-Clown-message and it connects with them – changing their lives forever. But an overwhelming majority spend no more energy than a giggle or slight frown. Mr. Shipp does not have a degree, license or any sort of evidence-based training. He graduated from “Life Experience College” which sounds ‘super cool’ to the teens and teen parents he markets his wares to but there is no depth. He’s a can of soda full of empty calories. The therapeutic industry and Mr. Shipp are as polar-opposite as a Kardashian and Bill Moyers. And yes, we recognize as cold as it may sound, it’s an industry.  Just like cancer treatment, just like teaching, and just like daycare. If it were not an industry and did not have the same oversight as other industries, there would be little oversight. Trust me, you want therapy to be part of an industry. Industrialization provides codes of conduct, ethical guidelines, evidence-based treatment standards, inter-disciplinary work and research. NATSAP is an example of this type of self-imposed quality control.

FYI – Therapeutic wilderness programs are not boot camps. Therapeutic boarding schools are not military schools. There may have been some greedy, old-school meat-heads that sold parents on boot camps decades ago, but in the therapeutic world, those non-clinical programs as a laughable as Josh Shipp which may be why he talks about them in his MTV show. Boot camps and military schools are dying out and, thankfully, being replaced by sophisticated, evidence-based programs with transparency and clinical integrity. Not every program is awesome but, neither is every physician or dentist.

Mr. Shea, I make a challenge to you. Join me on a tour to visit 5 therapeutic programs. Together, you and I will kick the tires, dig through the closets and truly get to the bottom of whether this universe of programs is as detrimental as you propose. We’ll spend 2 days out in the back-country, in storage rooms with gear, and circled up in treatment centers. After that, I challenge you to write the same article blasting this world that has helped so many families. Not likely to happen.

How Teen Behavior Can Feel Like Derecho (and What to Do About It)

derecho is a widespread, long-lived, straight-line wind storm that is associated with a fast-moving band of severe thunderstorms. Generally, derechos are convection-induced and take on a bow echo (backward “C”) form of squall line, forming in an area of wind divergence in the upper levels of the troposphere, within a region of low-level warm air advection and rich low-level moisture. They travel quickly in the direction of movement of their associated storms, similar to an outflow boundary (gust front), except that the wind is sustained and increases in strength behind the front, generally exceeding hurricane-force. A warm-weather phenomenon, derechos occur mostly in summer, especially during June and July in the Northern Hemisphere, within areas of moderately strong instability and moderately strong vertical wind shear. They may occur at any time of the year and occur as frequently at night as during the daylight hours.

1. Intense, focused storm

2. Fast moving

3. Mostly during the Summer

4. Follow other storms

5. Can sustain destructive winds for long periods of time

See any parallels yet? Ok, this may be a bit of a stretch but many teens during Summer months really start to melt down in behavior. They get bored and don’t have that regular pressure to get up and ready for school, participate in sports teams or do homework at night. No schedule = Big problems. We especially see this pop up like intense storms in June (ah, hum – just like derecho).

This is why Fonthill recommends setting up a schedule for your family for the Summer. Taking a few days to sleep in and savor the end of school is fine, but it should not be the default setting each morning till August.

1. Create a daily/weekly/monthly schedule

2. Set up times for chores, free-time, social time, family time and reading time

3. Be clear about curfews, car privileges, sleep-overs and consequences BEFORE too much Summer has gone on.

4. Eat meals together (We recommend this for all year long, actually)

5. Encourage exploration of activities, hobbies, and interests. Might even be a great time to check out some college campuses while things are calm. Many professors are still working and have way more time to hang out to talk about classes/programs.

Have a great Summer everyone!

 

New Book: The Secrets of Happy Families: Eight Keys to Building a Lifetime of Connection and Contentment

In his new book, The Secrets of Happy Families, Bruce Feiler disrupts the normal psychobabble jargon, throws rocks in glass houses and dares to dig deeper than the snippets of research often cited to support a certain zeitgeist of parenting and family management. Here is a link to Bruce’s pretty cool interview on Weekend Edition Sunday. We have given you five of Bruce‘s main points below.

Excerpted from Weekend Edition Sunday and Originaly Adapted from The Secrets of Happy Families, by Bruce Feiler

1. Let your kids pick their punishments. Our instinct as parents is to order our kids around. It’s easier, and we’re usually right! But it rarely works. The number one lesson we’ve learned is to let our kids pick their own rewards and punishments. We hold weekly family meetings where we all vote on two things to work on (this week it’s overreacting) and ask our kids what will motivate them. (Under five minutes of overreacting, they get a sleepover; over 15 minutes, it’s one pushup for every minute.) Research backs this up: Kids who set their own goals, make their own schedules, and evaluate their own work, build up their prefrontal cortex and take greater control over their lives. Give your kids practice developing the independence you want them to have later in life.

2. Don’t worry about family dinner. Sure, we’ve all heard that family dinner is great for kids, but for many of us, it doesn’t work with our schedule. Dig deeper, though, and the news is brighter for parents. Turns out there’s only ten minutes of productive time in any meal; the rest is taken up with “Take your elbows off the table” and “pass the ketchup.” You can take those ten minutes, place them at any time of the day, and have the same benefit. Can’t have family dinner? Try family breakfast, meet for a bedtime snack, even one meal on weekends can help. Time-shifting isn’t just for work or your favorite TV show; it also works with families.

3. Tell your story. The most important thing you can do may be the easiest of all. Tell your children the story of their family. Children who know more about their parents, grandparents, and other relatives – both their ups and their downs – have higher self-esteem and greater confidence to confront their own challenges. Researchers have found that knowing more about family history is the single biggest predictor of a child’s emotional well-being.

4. Ditch the sex talk. This may have been the hardest lesson for me to learn. As the father of girls, I was tongue-tied when it came to talking about sex, even body parts. Then I read that a majority of boys and girls know that boys have penises and girls have “down there.” Guilty as charged! Even the American Society of Pediatrics say we should talk to kids as early as 18 months about proper names for their body parts and other age-appropriate issues. And as kids get older, it’s much easier to talk about sexuality when kids are under ten, because as they get older, they tune us out. As one group of girls told me, “It’s not ‘The Talk.’ It’s a series of talks. It’s a conversation.” Dead on advice.

5. Change where you sit. There’s tremendous know-how out there about how we rearrange our spaces to make our families function better, but most of it has remained hidden from parents. An environmental psychologist gave me some helpful advice. If you sit at hard surfaces, you’ll be more rigid. If you sit on cushioned surfaces, you’ll be more accommodating. “When you’re disciplining your children, sit in upright chairs on cushioned surfaces,” she said. “The conversation will go better.” My wife and I even changed where we have difficult conversations, moving from my office, where I was sitting in the “power position” with her six inches lower, to a window seat in our bedroom, where we can be side by side at the same level.

Bruce’s book can be purchased here at Amazon.